Adoration

The words I can only admit on paper

I write him love letters under my duvet.
About things I can never admit.
About everything he does.

How can someone so steady -
take someone so fearful -
and make her want to stay?

He’s won me,
by holding me in a way -
that washes away,
everyone who’s ever held me wrong.

With his hands in my hair,
roses in my room.
He whispers heartaches while I sleep.
Laughs at me so lovingly -
that he plants roots in my chest.

He cleans my messes,
tucks the greedy, grimy goblins that feast on my brain -
into bed.
Simply by kissing them on the head.

I’m intoxicated -
by the hopelessness.
By the weight of each of his breaths.
I’ve never felt so desperate.

I sleep in his room when he’s gone.
On his side of the bed,
wrapped up in his sheets.
I love the smell of his sheets.

I’m embarrassed -
by the reminders
of storybooks,
of old diaries,
fairytales and love songs.
Embarrassed by how he’s made me
everything I swore I never would be.
Sickeningly in love.
Blushing at the mention of his name.
So desperate for him to say mine.

He’s reduced me
to the little girl I’ve always been.
He turned the light on me.
And for the first time,
I don’t hate what it’s revealed.

For the first time,
I’m sitting in this.
Living in reality.
No looking back.
No fantasising.

For the first time -
I mean what I say.
Feel what I think.
And know who he is.
And I let him love
who I am.

I stretch

Ache

And

Wallow in him.

Use him as my landmark.

He’s so good at this -
Drowning me in his words,
while I’ve been rendered speechless.
I’m left only -
with a voice that knows no volume,
Saying the only words I can -

I love you.